


you know that you had it once

by coolios



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Enemies, Lovers To Enemies, M/M, Not Beta Read, Pre-Canon, Season/Series 03 Spoilers, i think i'm not great with timelines and remembering canon events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21738679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolios/pseuds/coolios
Summary: Red flickers in his vision and everywhere he looks he sees Jon.Jon mocking him, Jon insulting him, Jon staring blankly at him, Jon grinning at him, Jon asking if he can kiss him.
Relationships: Jonathan Sims/Tim Stoker
Comments: 19
Kudos: 144





	you know that you had it once

**Author's Note:**

> title from crack baby by mitski,,, thanks mack

Tim misses his life before the institute sometimes. He misses having a job he can tell people about without them giving him a funny look. He misses when everything didn’t remind him of what happened to his brother.

He misses Danny.

The institute isn’t that bad though, at least that’s what he tells himself. He’s apart of the research department but most of the work is done alone. Tim doesn’t mind this, being alone means no one will notice what he’s up to. No one will notice his desperate searches for any information on Robert Smirke or the circus. 

Tim gets along well with his coworkers. They’re all a little off. Mainly reserved and strange, exactly the kind of people you would imagine work for the Magnus Institute. They laugh at Tim’s jokes though, they invite him out on weekends, they wish him well when he leaves for the night.

Jon doesn’t though.

Jon is stranger and more reserved than the rest of his coworkers in the department. He rarely speaks to anyone and when he does its gruff, short sentences. One syllable replies whenever possible. Everything about Jon is off-putting.

Naturally, Tim wants to get to know him better.

“What do you want?” Jon finally asks after Tim has been standing in front of his desk, staring at him for at least a full minute. Jon’s voice comes out hoarse when he speaks, he clears his throat and glares at Tim.

“You busy after work?” Tim asks.

“No,” Jon replies.

“You wanna go out for drinks?”

“No.”

“Ah,” Tim says, not expecting such a blunt rejection, “Well, I-"

“Was that it?” Jon asks, “I’m very busy.”

“Aren’t we all?” Tim says with an awkward chuckle.

“Yes, then maybe we all should be working,” he gives Tim a pointed look that feels like a kick in the shin.

“Right, yeah,” Tim nods, “I’ll talk to you later.” Jon doesn’t say anything, he doesn't even look at Tim.

A few weeks pass and even though Tim hasn’t been able to speak with Jon again he finds himself staring at the man when he thinks no one is looking. Tim’s been there a few months and he’s surprised he hadn’t realized just how handsome Jon was before.

He’s kind of skinny, with a sharp jawline, and wire-rimmed glasses that shouldn’t frame his face as nicely as they do. Tim doesn’t know if he would call Jon’s hair long, but he does look like he’s a few months overdue for a haircut. He wonders if Jon’s hair is soft. 

“What?” Jon’s irritated voice snaps Tim out of his daydreaming. 

“Huh?”

“You’re staring.”

“Yeah, uh,” Tim says, he pauses for a moment before finally blurting, “Do you have any hobbies?”

“Excuse me?” Jon’s eyebrows are furrowed together. He doesn’t look mad, just confused.

“What do you like to do when you aren’t at work?” Tim asks.

“I’m always at work,” Jon says, “Not sure I can leave.” There’s a subtle hint of a smile on Jon’s face, if Tim had blinked, he would have missed it. Jon just made a joke. Tim lets out a quiet laugh, that slowly grows louder and louder, until his whole body is shaking. He knows it wasn’t that funny, but the bewildered look Jon’s giving him keeps him going.

“What are you-“

“Sorry, sorry!” Tim says, taking a deep breath. “You just have a really nice smile, Jon.”

“What? I didn’t smile,” Jon says quickly, instinctively covering his mouth with his hand.

“Of course not,” Tim nods, before turning to go back to work. He catches a glimpse of Jon’s smile again as he walks away.

That small interaction breaks down a wall between the two men. Tim still finds himself staring at Jon, but now Jon seems to be looking too. When they make accidental eye contact for the fifth time that day, Tim winks. It’s tacky and embarrassing, but look Jon gives him as he quickly hides his face behind his hand makes it worth it.

“Are you actually staying late again?” Tim asks, leaning against Jon’s desk.

“Yes, I have a lot to do,” Jon says plainly.

“You’ve stayed late every night this week,” Tim’s eyebrows furrow together.

“I’ve had a lot to do every night this week.”

“It’s Friday!”

“I’m aware,” Jon says through gritted teeth. Tim lets out a long sigh.

“Make a deal with me,” he says.

“What?”

“I’ll help you finish up whatever work you have, and then you get dinner with me.”

“Dinner,” Jon repeats, more to himself than to Tim.

“Yeah, dinner. Like food. You eat, right?”

“Of course, I do!” Jon snaps.

“Then let me take you to dinner after a long week of work,” Tim says. Jon remains silent. Tim awkwardly scratches the back of his neck, “Listen, you don’t actually have to if you don’t-“

“Like a date?” Jon says, so quietly that Tim isn’t sure if he meant to say it out loud.

“D-Do you want it to be?” Tim asks, suddenly nervous.

“Depends how thorough you are with your work,” Jon says.

Working with Jon is nice. Jon is impressed with Tim’s notes and organization and of course, Tim glows with pride at the praise. They sit across the table from each other and spend most of the evening in silence aside from a few comments here and there.

Jon’s handwriting is both gorgeous and illegible. He writes quickly with an unnecessary urgency, smudging the ink on the page as he does.

Time gets away from them and the two miss dinner. “Damn it,” Tim mumbles when he realizes it’s already eleven. “We should probably head out,” he says, glancing up from the book in front of him to realize Jon has fallen asleep.

He’s snoring softly, head balanced in his hand, pen still in the other. His eyebrows are scrunched together and even though Jon’s sleeping he still seems so tense. Tim stretches a little and gets up. He shakes Jon’s shoulder a little bit.

The man jolts awake, quickly whipping his head around to look at Tim. Jon looks terrified, Tim stiffens and grips Jon’s shoulder a little tighter.

“Hey, it’s just me,” Tim says quietly, “You fell asleep. We kinda worked through dinner.” Jon runs a hand through his hair, he seems to be trembling.

“R-right. Doesn’t surprise me,” he forces a strained laugh and glances at where Tim’s hand still remains on his shoulder. Immediately, Tim lets go.

“You alright?” Tim asks.

“I’m fine,” Jon says, “You just startled me. Nothing to worry about.”

Tim nods, “Do you need a ride home?”

“I couldn’t ask you to-“

“I’m offering, Jon,” Tim says firmly.

“If it’s not too much trouble.”

“Of course it’s not.”

Tim misses his life before he was one of the assistants in the archive. He misses life before he worked at the institute. He misses having a job where things felt normal and he didn’t have fear gnawing at the back of his mind every time he went to work. He still misses his brother.

Working in the archives wasn’t that bad at first, but now it’s horrible. It’s frustrating and the shelves make him claustrophobic. He feels worms crawling on him almost constantly. It doesn’t matter how hard he scratches or how much he soap he uses, Tim can still feel the worms every time he sees his scars. His reflection makes him sick.

Tim can’t stand his coworkers. He used to get along well with Sasha, but she seems different now. He can’t figure out how, but she feels so far away. Her jokes don’t land the same and her voice sounds different. He used to like Martin too, but now Martin’s too quick to defend Jon, he’s too quick to move on from everything that happened.

Then there’s Jon.

Jon infuriates him. He spends his days switching between holing himself up in his office and stalking his assistants. Tim can’t maintain any sort of casual conversation with him anymore without feeling like he’s being accused. Everything about Jon makes him want to scream.

Tim misses when things weren’t like this, when Jon wasn’t like this.

He airs these grievances to Jon, first during the intervention then privately in Jon’s office, and Jon doesn’t care. Jon doesn’t listen to a word he says. Jon just sits at his desk, shoulders scrunched up, squinting at Tim, trying to find something that isn’t there.

“Shut up,” Tim finally snaps.

“What-“ Jon begins, clearly taken aback by Tim’s tone.

“Just stop talking! I’m sick of this, I’m sick of you,” Tim says, he can feel his hands shaking slightly, “We didn’t kill Gertrude, and no one wants to kill you, you pompous idiot!”

The accusing look in Jon’s eyes shifts to one of anger, “Now, listen here-“

“No, no, you listen for once,” Tim’s entire body is shaking now. He stares at the Jon in front of him. The Jon with long, greying hair. There’s stubble on his chin and Tim doubts he’s showered recently. He looks so much more tired than he ever looked while working in research. “I was fine in research. Happy. Then you asked for me to be transferred here, and suddenly it’s all monsters and killers and secret passages, oh my! And the worst thing, the actual worst thing, is that no one here has my back, with any of it!”

Jon has the audacity to look shocked when Tim demands sympathy, it makes his stomach churn.

Tim just wants to quit. He wants to leave the institute and never look back. This isn’t worth it, and it never was. He doesn’t want to see a tape recorder or Jon ever again.

Tim will come back again tomorrow though, and he’ll see Jon, head archivist of the Magnus Institute. He’ll remember the way he used to smile.

Jon rebuilds the wall between the two of them again, and Tim is fine with staying on the other side where Jon can’t see him. 

Being here is disorientating, Tim can’t remember where he is, or who was with, or even his own name if he isn’t thinking about it. His head is pounding and he’s just so angry. Red flickers in his vision and everywhere he looks he sees Jon.

Jon mocking him, Jon insulting him, Jon staring blankly at him, Jon grinning at him, Jon asking if he can kiss him. Tim wants to grab him; Tim wants to grab his shoulders and shake him until they both wake up from this stupid shitty dream. Tim wants to wipe that dumb fucking smile off his face.

Any moment Tim tries to calm down he sees his brother, just out of the corner of his eye, just out of reach. He grows angry again.

When Tim blinks he doesn’t see either of them.

Tim’s holding the detonator. He isn’t sure when he grabbed it, maybe it had been in his hands the whole time. He can’t remember how long they’ve been here. “So, come and take it,” he says. No one moves. “That’s what I thought.”

“I’m losing my patience,” the mannequin in front of Tim says frantically, approaching him.

“Back! Get back!” Tim snaps, “That’s right.” Jon looks terrified as he watches Tim, Tim strains to meet his eyes. Tim lets out a breathy laugh, he thinks about the Jon from research. He thinks about their late nights working together, nights where he would let his hand brush against Jon’s.

Tim misses the old Jon. He despises the archivist.

“Jon,” Tim says, his voice is soft, “I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you can then I don’t forgive you. But thank you for this.”

Nikola tries to get him to stop but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about this he doesn’t care about anything. Tim isn’t going to get his brother back, that’s been obvious from the start. He’s not going to get all those years working at the institute back either, and there doesn't seem like there's much left for him if he makes it out of this.

Tim’s hands don’t shake. He’s not scared. If the archivist doesn’t have to be himself anymore, then neither does Tim.

Tim doesn’t want to be anything.

“You sound stressed. You know I hear the great Grimaldi’s in town. You should go see it, cheer yourself up,” Tim speaks dryly, looking directly into the lifeless eyes of the mannequin.

“That’s. Not. Funny.”

“I know,” Tim says, he feels tears beginning to form.

The detonator clicks.

**Author's Note:**

> i like /just/ got caught up with the podcast so if you see horrible mischaracterization and complete ignorance of canon timeline please just look away. 
> 
> hit me up on twitter @softiida if u feel inclined, i live for attention.
> 
> thanks for reading!!


End file.
